3.18 - Ugh

I may have to check back over my history of posts, but I think this may be the most unappetizing thing I've seen yet, aside from the potato salad (and just thinking about it for the few seconds it's taken for me to type this was enough to make me get queasy).

Rhubarb pie. Looks like a squid pot pie and is almost as vomit-inducing as a squid pot pie would surely be.

How can anyone look at that and say, "Damn. I got to have me a big ass slice of that tasty rhubarb." What the hell is a rhubarb anyway? Someone said it's a relative of celery. WTF? Do people make celery pie? No, that would be disgusting.

3.17 - They Keep Getting Bigger

I think whoever orders the meeting vittles has a new supplier of food with elephantiasis added in as a spice or something. Seriously, again with the gigantor desserts.

These brownies were, like the Specialties' cookies and the sentient head-sized pastry, these brownies were obscenely large. Each was a meal on its own. Most of the time, people will take a quarter of a donut, or a half of a cookie on the pretense that a smaller piece won't be as bad as taking the whole thing. Of course, they end up taking a quarter off of five or six donuts, but at least they can tell themselves they didn't eat a whole one.

These brownies were big enough that I didn't feel the need to mock anyone for slicing off a piece and not trying to take on the whole slab.

I guess they were pretty good. A couple people actually squealed when they saw the coconut options in there. Squealed.

I don't squeal.

3.17 - Gigantic Pastries

Yes, another meeting and yes, more pastries. However, these were freakin' gigantor pastries. The one at the top of the photo was so big, no one would dare cut into it. My coworker N said that no one would eat something as big as their head. And it was... as big as your head.

No pastry has any business being that big.

It was the last one on the platter, untouched for quite awhile. It was gone later, but I don't know if it finally went under the knife or if it gained consciousness and walked off on its own.

3.17 - Kind of Expected These

Store-bought St. Patrick's Day cookies. Feh.

Next.

3.16 - Nijo's Late

My group had a bit of a late night and my coworkers decided to get food from Nijo's, a Japanese place about a block away from the agency.

I'm not a fan of sushi, and even though they do offer other things, it ESA easy for me to take a pass and wait until I got home for some rightly cooked food.

3.16 - Back to Normal

The Chinese food for the earlier meeting was a fluke, because the next client meeting of the day and the more traditional Specialties' catering, and because only one client showed up there was a complete platter of these monsters left for the masses.

Let's face it, Specialties' cookies are obscenely large. Unnecessarily large. They are so over-the-top big that I don't think I would have tried to put a whole one away even when I was at my heaviest and most gluttonous. These things ought to be on the National Institute's of Health's Most Wanted list.

There really can be too much of a good thing, and these cookies are it.

3.16 - Chinese Meeting?

I guess it wasn't fried chicken at least. Chinese food for a meeting is a new twist. Luckily for me, I didn't realize there were Chinese leftovers as a possibility. When I got involved, there was only box after box of white rice left... with some gravy smears. Yeah, I had no problem passing up cold rice.

If my spidey senses had been a little more on the ball, I might have had to face a real test and had a crack at the leftovers before they had been totally decimated. Among all the other items that sit on my It Takes an Iron Will to Resist list, Chinese food is right up there near the top with French fries and ice cream.

My wife and I went to China to see the Olympics in 2008 and one of the highlights for me was going to a restaurant in Beijing to get some real Chinese food. The wait staff didn't speak English and we were the only westerners in the place. It was truly the best Chinese food I've ever eaten, and they kept bringing out more.

So yeah, I have a soft spot for Chinese food, even though what we call Chinese food is a pale glimmer of the real thing.

3.14 — Bad Moon Rising

Jo Jo went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and all we got was this box of banana "flavored" Moon Pies.

So you're not from the South, like me, and don't know what a Moon Pie is? It's a secessionist, Northern War of Aggression-grudge holding, Lynard Skynard lighter-waving, rebel flag draped over the gun rack in the back window driving, glorified s'more.

That's right. The vaunted Moon Pie is a graham cracker (heavy on the Cracker) smothered chocolate (or in this case, banana "flavoring") and marshmellow. Ooooooh, you Southerners. Way to come up with an original snack. Take a s'more, flatten it, make the packaging all nostalgic and then name it something that makes normal people (mostly me) think of slow-witted country folk plunking on a banjo and hoping for some pig squealing later.

Ok, I'll admit. That was kind of prejudiced against people who play the banjo. It is a noble instrument, if not intensely annoying. I apologize to all the banjo players out there.

Anyway, this one didn't yank my chain really at all — not a fan of marshmellow. Or s'mores. Or flat, redneck s'mores.

3.9 — What is Going On?

Is today some sort of Bring Food to Work Day or something? After stretches of time lately with nothing showing up in our end of the building, all the sudden we're being deluged by snacks and free food.

This was a collection of pastries brought in by a freelance photographer who was here to show off his portfolio. The pastries were made by the guy's wife, who just happens to be a pastry chef.

I didn't dare touch any of this stuff, but stood there while others took bites of this and that and proceeded to have near-religious and/or full-body experiences because what they were tasting was so good. I had to leave because I actually started to waver a bit. I immediately went back to my desk and ate an apple. And then I ate another one, just to be safe.

3.9 — Afternoon Sugar Rush

We have a freelance Photoshop guy in this week and he decided to give our row a little afternoon energy boost by delivering this bite-sized (or is that fun-sized?) bounty in our aisle.

We of course told him we couldn't be bought, even as my coworkers were ripping open bags and popping chocolates into their gobs. As soon as the sound of the crinkling bags echoed off the wall, Judy (aka Snackasaurus) showed up to investigate. That sound is like the anguished cry of a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti to a hungry lioness for the Snackasaurus. She can't resist.

I can, did and will have to continue resisting since the bags of candy are sitting about 5 feet away from me.

3.9 — Fat Tuesday Leftovers

Some left a big tupperwear container of jumbalaya in the kitchen with a post-it note that it was Mardi Gras leftovers. I had already eaten lunch (a tasty spinach, tomato, cucumber salad with seasoned chicken slices, and a sugar-free chocolate pudding pack on the side), so I didn't even blink at the rice, beans and sausages. It might have tempted me more if I had been hungry, but as good as rice might be for you it can be carb and calorie hell. This looked like just that kind of trouble.

3.9 — Two Bites and Some Fancy

I don't know who the makers of these cupcakes are kidding, but these St. Paddy's day-themed mini cakes don't even register as bite-sized. Maybe "Two Bites" refers to what it would take to eat the entire contents of the package.



Frango's and Dilettante's, two Seattle chocolate originals. I'm not sure about the history behind it, but there is a strong chocolate-making community here in Seattle. There are several home grown companies that pump out gourmet chocolates and candies. Maybe there really is something in the water here that inspires entrepreneurial world domination. We got your coffee, aircraft, delivery services (UPS got it's start here — didn't know that, did you) and gourmet chocolates. There is Frango's, Dilettante's, Seattle Chocolates, Theo's, Fran's, Simply Seattle and a host of others who are trying to spread their cocoa confections across the country.

Enough exposition. Back to the resistance.

Fancy chocolates, I rebuke you!

3.8 — Now this is what I'm talking about!

YEAH! Now that's a worthy opponent. 2 donuts, slathered with thick icing and covered in mini M&Ms and Captain Crunch with Crunchberries cereal.

Just look at those things. Good God, what kind of sick mind looks at a donut and thinks, "Not sugary enough," then spackles on a thick layer of icing, steps back, considers, then decides, "Not only does this donut need more, it needs an unspeakable level of more."

A coworker who tried a piece summed it up best when he said, "It looks like a cereal box threw up on a donut."

I offered to test his blood sugar before and after eating a piece of the Captain Crunch option, but he declined. There is some information you really don't want to know.

I have to admit that the audacity of these donuts made me want to try a piece just to see how it tasted... and to see if my heart rate would jump 10-20 beats a second from the sugar rush.

It's been awhile since I've been this excited about not eating something. To whomever it was that brought in these abominations, thank you.



OF course, it wasn't too long before the old standard showed up, more Top Pot donuts. They look kinda plain, lame and week compared to the monstrosities above, don't you think?

3.7 — Tub o' Cookies

A random tub of store bought cookies. Judging by the variety, I'm thinking someone had a few packages of cookies with a couple cookies left in each. Throw them all in an old butter container and voilá, Tub o' Cookies.

Temptation meter: Not even flickering.

2.25.11 — Trophy Cupcakes

So Seattle has not one but two gourmet cupcake chains littering the city with their over the top cakes: Trophy Cupcakes and Cupcake Royale. It's interesting that some people have a very strong like or dislike for one or the other. I don't quite get that — they're all cupcakes. Apparently though, you're either a Trophy fan or a Royale fan, but not both.

Me? Eh. The few times I've had one or the other they've tasted about the same — way too sugary. Like some of the other items that come into the office these days, the over-iced cupcakes are fairly easily resistable.

They were apparently used in a client meeting to grease the wheels towards a signed contract. No word on if it worked or not.

2.24.11 — I think I'm getting bored

I think the love is waning. I used to pop up out of my chair, iPhone at the ready, snapping photos, styling the items on the kitchen table, getting my light just right. Then I'd be back at my desk, uploading the photos and getting all sarcastic on this blog.

Maybe it's the monotonous march of the same foods over and over, but it's getting a little old. I need something big. I need something new. Cookies, donuts, pastries, even the monthly fried chicken. Been there, done that. They aren't even a temptation challenge any longer. I guess that's a good thing. I've worked so hard at resisting this stuff that I don't even feel a blip when I'm facing much of it any longer.

Still, something that tests me would be nice every once in awhile. Cookies? Eh.



If I had the calories to spare, I would have had one of these. I did take a bite of the peanut butter one after someone opened it. It was extremely bland. How you can make peanut butter bland takes some real doing.

Anyway, Kashi's cereals make a great low cal granola substitute and I have some every day in my yogurt as a snack. So, these aren't something I had to resist necessarily — I did mostly to keep the calorie budget in check.

2.23.11 — Ho Hum

Yes, John bought more Top Pot. For the Nth time. There was much rejoicing and speed walking to the kitchen. Me? You know the answer to that one.



And here are the sloppy seconds from some client meeting. Meetings with clients go better with lots of sugar.

And yes, I'm running out of things to say about donuts and pastries since they show up here so often.

2.14.11 — Traffic Love

Speaking of showing your love and admiration by giving someone high calorie foods...



Each Valentine's Day, our Traffic department puts out a box and instructs the rest of us to show them the love... with the implied threat that if we don't they will make our lives a living hell. Since they actually have that power, we all tend to come through. My offering was not food-related, but most of the others were even if they were leftovers from the gift baskets that came into the agency last December.



Not all the offerings were safe ones. Yes, that is a VHS tape of the Vanilla Ice movie, Cool as Ice. Behind it, the Matthew McConaughey movie, Fool's Gold. Clearly, someone was tempting the Traffic wrath. We may watch the two as a double-bill feature, if we can stand to sit through them both.

2.12.11 — Poker Food 2

The monthly poker game rolled around and the snacks this time were dominated by chocolate. Cookies, candies, those new mini Reeses' bite thingys, two kinds of Oreos, etc. I was mostly good and stuck to the fruit trays (which I brought) and the veggies. I did have some of the pita chips and some regular potato chips. However, keeping with my new moderation attempts, I had very few chips and focused on the fruit and strawberries.



These looked very tasty, but since they were swimming in oil and covered by slabs of cheese, no benefits that the tomatoes or herbs might have were worth it.



Of course, all the chocolate was there because the next day is Valentine's Day and somehow giving high calorie snacks and chocolate to people is how you're supposed to express your love or admiration. I guess it would be okay if it all also came with a free diabetes screening.

2.11.11 — A Big Day

I've been feeling like we've been in a bit of a lull in terms of food in the office. Sure, we've had the normal stuff, but nothing big. Today, that ended.



I missed the first salvo, but caught the aftermath. I missed it because it was such a small box of donuts and was emptied by my coworkers in such a short time. There wasn't even really time for an intercom announcement. I imagine it was kind of like the Raptor feeding scene from Jurassic Park. The cow is lowered into the paddock. A murderous feeding frenzy ensues, tastefully (so to speak) obscured by some foliage. A couple minutes later, the tattered sling is removed. This box was the sling, complete with the messy "leavings."



There were several big meetings going on and they all seemed to have food. One must have had some heavy hitters in it because they got the Specialties' catering. There were 2 box lunches left over. Specialties knows what they are doing, in terms of flavor. Their sandwiches are very tasty as are their cookies. However, as we all know by now, taste isn't everything. These are also so loaded in calories that if I were to actually have one, I might not be able to eat for the rest of the day. You know, high taste doesn't always have to mean high calories. Specialties, I'm looking at you... and not eating your food.

And then...



Yes. Chicken from Ezelle's. Again. This time though, the agency at large didn't have to wait for the monthly managment meeting to end before they were let loose on the greasy scraps. We had a full agency meeting and the snacks were fried chicken, rolls, coleslaw and something that looked like potato salad.



I've described previously how I feel about that substance. I'm feeling queasy just thinking about it.

Here are some nice rolls to cleanse the mental palate...

2.9.11 — The Day of Cheese

Actually, this was more like the Day After Cheese. A group of ladies from the office had a fancy cheese party last night and this was the leftovers. So much mold. So much fat. I don't think it is a coincidence that all of them were complaining about stomach pain later on in the day.



Come on, something called Triple Cream and it's from France? I worried about my arteries just standing near this stuff. I was wondering if I needed a breathing mask to make sure no stray molecules made their way into my system. I figure this stuff probably had some sort of half-life decay rate not unlike plutonium. Too much close exposure and your DNA gets rewritten.



Who was the first person to think, "Man, that shit looks nasty, smells like ass and has actual mold in it. Let's slap it on a cracker and go to town!" An idiot, that's who. Seriously, it's one step away from eating rotten food and calling it a delicacy. Ugh.

2.8.11 — Re-Reuben Tuesday

We had another Reuben Tuesday and I decided to bring my new philosophy of moderation to the table.

I had a reuben sandwich and it was good. Before committing though, I did add up the calories for one sandwich and was a little surprised to find out it was only about 400 calories. We had the packaging for most everything available to confirm the calories that my calorie counter was suggesting. So I had one... and only one. Even though there were leftovers and the cook was pushing me to have at least another half sandwich, I made the decision to stop at one. I could alter my daily food intake enough to accommodate the 400 calories from the one sandwich, but didn't want to push it with more. Also, I had told myself ahead of time that I'd stop at one. So, success.



I did, however, completely resist the Lays potato chips. The cook brought three giant bags and the lunch crowd knocked back two of them.

Moderation? Check. Stop when I told myself I would? Check. Kept the calories reasonable? Check.

2.4.11 — Guac Off!

We had our first annual Guac Off today at lunch, and while I had intended to give it a pass, it was guacamole and I figured id stick to the tasting only and take the calorie hit. So, I did. I had 6 corn chips and about 3 tablespoons of the guacamole for a total of 185 calories.

The guac wasn't the issue. The chips were. One serving of chips was 9 chips for almost 180 calories. Who the hell can only eat 9 freakin' chips? No one. As a group, the people taking part in the taste set polished off almost 3 bags of chips or about 70 servings. Yeah, almost 11,000 calories just in chips. I love chips, but I stuck to the bare minimum to make my decision about the guac.

So, yes, I did eat today's offering, but did it with moderation and kept it reasonable... not something I have a good track record at doing. Small steps, right?

1.27.10 — Running Snacks

So I'm starting a training program to run a marathon this summer and went to the kick-off party for the organization that leads the training (Team in Training). I figured there would be some sort of snacks there, and I was right. I did plan ahead and was able to get home and scarf some dinner before heading to the meeting — nipping and urge to graze in the bud before it became a problem.

That's one of the things I've had to work into my way of thinking — heading off opportunities for being tempted before the temptation presents itself. Expecting that a meeting or big public gathering, even with healthy and active people, is going to include food that I would rather not have on my calorie list for the day and then doing something to make sure my stomach has something in it has become a sure-fire way to curtail any off program munching.

So no chips, turkey and cream cheese sandwich wraps or Clif bars for me because I was already comfortably full with some low cal chili.

1.26.11 — A Close Call

I've mentioned before that pizza is one of my main weaknesses and is, so far, the only item that I've succumbed to while doing this blog. Aside from that one time though, I've been strong. Today, there was some big meeting/presentation going on and they of course ordered pizza. I mostly ignored it and waited for the grease-stained leftovers to make it out to the kitchen so I could go document it. I did, not really paying attention to it other than it was yet another stack of pizza.

Good thing I was distracted.

I happened to see the boxes later after it was all gone and saw that it had come from Pagliacci's. If I had known that earlier, I might have injured myself and others trying to get in there so I could do unspeakable things with that pizza.

If pizza is my weakness, Pag's is my kryptonite. I am powerless before it. I dodged a big one this time.

In addition to being distracted by work (yes, we actually do work during the day here between snacking opportunities), I saw this, also from the meeting lunch order...



The sickly yellow-green color in the photo is pretty accurate. I'm not a big cold pasta fan, but this pile of cold, slimy-looking, squiggly pasta drew my attention away from the pizza long enough that I missed the name on the box. I guess being slightly disgusted can have its advantages.

1.25.11 — Sweet and Savory Calories

We get photographer reps in every once in awhile to show off portfolios in hopes that we'll hire from their talent pool. Since the reps are trying to impress, they also tend to bring the higher quality snackage. These were some gourmet tasties — the box on the left had the sweets and the box on the left had the savory.

The sweet stuff was quite literally slathered in glaze and sugar. It may not show in the photo very well, but all of them glistened with a high sheen and looked permanently sticky — not something I tend to look for in my snacks. The other side looked a lot less messy, but I was unsure about the hints of sliced meat sticking out of the tightly rolled bread. I'm sure it was all heavenly.

Oh, and the Emmys in the background? We don't screw around at this agency, my friends. We win shit.

1.20.11 — Late Nighter

I can't fault my coworkers for the pile of pizza they ordered last night. They were stuck here until the wee hours working on a new biz pitch. Pizza was the food of choice and this was the battered leftover. Honestly, if I had been here until 1 or 2 AM, I would have been right there with them at the pizza box carb loading.

1.19.11 — Missed It

Wow. These bad boys disappeared faster than I was able to run back to my desk to retrieve my iPhone for the photo. I guess mini cinnamon rolls fit into the agency's pleasure zone more than any other culinary treat. I saw them going fast and had thought to say, "Don't finish them until I get back." I figured there would be something left over. Two minutes later, all that's left is what you see... crumbs and abandoned resolutions.

1.10.11 — It's a Law in Hawaii

Hawaii is a popular vacation destination for Seattlites, especially during the height of our annual Seasonal Affective Disorder Festival (October through May). I think that just as giving tourists a flowered lei as they get off the plane (and then having Ricardo Montalban and a midget fulfill their every fantasy - weird, but don't knock having midgets in your fantasies) is a Hawaiian tradition, making sure that the same tourists leave with a box of chocolate-covered macadamias is a state law. The mega jar of flavored popcorn is a new twist.

Interestingly, the jar remained unopened for quite awhile, but as soon as that seal was broken, it was gone shockingly fast. The chocolates made it an hour or two.

1.7.11 — Meeting? Pastries.

What is it about meetings that they require food in order to happen? Is there a Grand Unification Theory of Meetings that requires a certain tonnage of empty calories before the higher brain functions of the meeting attendees can operate efficiently? And if so, is this a scientific Theory and therefore subject to the immediate and irrational disbelief by the Discovery Institute, soon to be followed by their competing explanation of Intelligent Meeting Design which states that meeting snacks could only come into existence by the influence of some higher, fatter power?

Yeah, that has to be it.

1.5.11 — Really?

You'd think by now that people would stop dumping their unwanted or leftover crap in our row. I need to check around to see if we have a hidden Statue of Snack Liberty somewhere, imploring all of our coworkers to bring their huddled calorie masses into our safe harbor. If I find her, I'm kicking her ass and shoving these Trader Joe's wannabe Oreos down her throat.

1.4.11 — Holy Crap

That's a big effin' jar of fudge, and it's packed in there really tight.

You're looking at a minimum of 10,000 calories. I figure conservatively 200 calories per piece (according to my calorie counter, chocolate fudge with nuts is just about 200 calories per 1.5 ounces) and after a quick visual count, there are at least 50 pieces in there, maybe more.

I expect this jar to be empty by the end of the day, which means my coworkers will have put away at least 10,000 empty and extra calories.

Look, there's nothing wrong with eating this kind of stuff. Not really. Anything in moderation is fine so long as you're eating a balanced diet and know what your calories budget needs to be to either lose or maintain your weight. For me, it comes down to a question of getting the most bang for my calorie buck. I can have one piece of fudge that might taste good for a minute but won't fill me up at all, or for the same number of calories I could have an apple and a banana which would not only fill me up as a morning snack but hit me with some good fiber, complex carbs and a dose of potassium. Really, is there any choice?

1.5 UPDATE: I overestimated my coworkers' ability to slam down fudge. There's about a quarter of the jar left this morning.

1.3.11 — Food from Home

The agency was (mostly) closed during the week between Christmas and New Year's Day, so there weren't any good opportunities for food to not eat. Today, however, we got right back on track.

One coworker, lets call her Butter Knife, went home to Philly and brought back some local favorites that aren't available on this side of the country -Tastykakes. They looked comparable to the various Hostess cake-related offerings. Most people who knew of the Tastykake we excited to see them and to dig in. By the end of the day, three of the four boxes were empty and the fourth was close. I only heard one person give them an "eh" review. Most came in and were looking for someone to split a cake with. The big yellow ones did remind me of Hostess Zingers, a particular childhood favorite of mine. I was intrigued, but not enough to take the plunge.



These didn't come from three thousand miles away, but were apparently just as tasty without the cutesy spelling of "cake."

Homemade with the able help from my coworker's young daughter, who does her best to lick the spoon sometimes before the baking is done. I'll admit, the cookies on the bottom of the pile looked pretty inviting, and knowing that they might have that special Gaby touch was definitely a plus.

Of course, I took a pass. Maybe if Gaby licked the spoon on a nice fruit salad...